Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
