I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I can't turn off my feet"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I am one with the molecules
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
