The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he thought i was a dude.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
