dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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