Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
