Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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