Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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