apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
