just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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