when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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