Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
