i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
