Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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