You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
