she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm sobbing to NWA
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
