my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
