Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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