I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
