I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
