it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
