So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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