mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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