He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
