I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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