Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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