can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
