im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
