do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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