I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
