do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
