ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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