this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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