Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
