i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
