so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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