I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
