just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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