Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
