my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
