hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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