I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
