A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
