We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
