I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
