Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
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