I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
