Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
