i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
