I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
