Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
